1) Don't stay on topic!
Ahhh, you just had a baby -- please post a couple dozen pictures and blog on nipple soreness and whatever else for a few weeks. We won't mind, really.
And if your college curling team or favorite NFL team is in the finals or Super Bowl, please post about it for days on end. If you care then we must care. After all it's your blog, not ours. We are merely peasant readers.
What were you blogging on anyways?
2) Be insular.
Yeah, maybe they call it social media but you can be antisocial if you'd like. Don't link to others. Don't read, never mind comment, on other blogs.
Your never ending soliloquy is enough for us to flock to your blog daily for the rest of our lives. If soliloquies are good enough for Hamlet, then they're good enough for us!
3) Write like traditional writing, not speaking.
Conversational, smonversational! We want perfect English, proofread multiple times and worthy of publishing in an encyclopedia (remember those?) or The New Yorker.
4) Don't let us know who you are!
No picture, no about us page, nothing personal. Your profound thoughts are enough for us! Your identity is your own business.
5) Lots of colors, dozens of fonts, flashing lights, autoplay audio.
Make it look like a casino. Or even MySpace :)
Viva Las Vegas Jugheads!